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February 19, 2009 19:40History Passes In A BlurHistory was in the making today as American's first black president met with Canada's whitest prime minister. Despite the fact that it was only a six-hour visit, no pomp nor circumstance was spared. Observant readers will note from the photo that we even rolled out our black mountie for the occasion.
Fun Canadian Fact: We keep our black mountie under glass in a sub-basement of the National Archives with a special ten-digit security code lock that may only be opened in the event of an emergency photo-op event. The last time the federal government declared such an emergency, requiring a public display of our black mountie, was never. February 09, 2009 16:09Here We Go AgainWe need a better class of celebrity scandal. I mean, really, have you seen it out there lately? It's bleak. Michael Phelps photographed puffing on a bong? He's not even the first Olympic gold medalist to be caught smoking weed. If a Canadian athlete can beat you to the punch, you know your scandal is a real snoozer. Jessica Simpson packing on a few pounds and wearing mom-jeans? Right, because she's such a bastion of good taste and Americans are all known for their trim waistlines. Christian Bale wigging out at a crew member? Uh-huh. Because people yelling at each other on a film set never happens. Never ever. Really, not even once, I swear.
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For my sins, I am once again a finalist in the Writers Guild of Canada Screenwriter Awards. You know what they say, third time's the charm. Unfortunately, this is only my second time as a finalist, which means I'll likely lose. Nevertheless, I'll be popping out to Toronto for the April 20 ceremony and trying to recoup the price of my train ticket with as many free drinks and hors d'oeuvres as I can cram down my throat. On the off chance I win, I think it would be best to make my acceptance speech bloated and drunk. There's no band at the WGC awards to play off a long-winded winner, so if I lose track of time and need to make an abrupt exit, I figure I can always announce the end of my speech, mid-sentence if need be, by projectile vomiting down the length of the podium. Needless to say, my script is in the animation category -- cartoons are my bread and butter these days. It's one of my episodes of Ricky Sprocket, Showbiz Boy titled "The Perfect Family." My competitors should be announced in the coming days. Once that happens, I'll be better able to gauge how many bribes and kickbacks will be needed to grease the wheels and make sure my trip to Toronto pays off in the end. Okay, I admit it. I'm after more than just comp booze and little fishy things on little cracker things. Those trophies are pretty cool looking and I want one. |
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© Eyestrain Productions & Shane Simmons  
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